This post was written by Marjorie Burns, MSSW, LCSW, Dialectical Behavioral Therapist Program Supervisor, Parkview Behavioral Health Institute.
It’s safe to say that at some point in our lives, we will all experience some sort of setback or failure. Some of us, not so unlike myself, may even attach shame and guilt to these events. This, of course, would be according to our own internal belief systems.
These setbacks and failures can be related to many matters. For me, things such as relationships, grief, personal goals, finances and quitting smoking come to mind. For others, it might be losing a job, an inability to lose weight or pursuing a higher or different education or career. Let us just take a moment before I go any further and have you, the reader, think of your own life and losses, or at least what you have perceived as your own failures.
Reframing our shortcomings
For me, the reality is that setbacks and feeling like a failure at times are both natural and reoccurring events. But, what if we shifted to see these moments as opportunities for us to challenge our thoughts and perceptions? This change in mindset can help us experience more about ourselves. our lives and those we allow into our lives. More importantly, I feel these events, if we are open to it, cue us to look deeper into our thinking, goals, dreams and what makes us uniquely ourselves and what we need to change, build or release. This can be the key to moving on and becoming better, healthier and happier.
I enjoy this quote from Thomas Edison: “I have not failed. I‘ve found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
I subscribe to the belief that we should be kind and gracious to ourselves. Part of that means, rather than concentrating on our shortcomings, we could, instead …
- Do an inventory of what went well.
- Ask ourselves what worked and what did not work.
- Focus on our future goal.
- Accept responsibility and ask for help.
Introspection can be painful
Failure can be accompanied by a variety of emotions that are important to identify, such as embarrassment, anxiety, anger, fear, sadness and even shame. These feelings can be uncomfortable, so it’s common for us to try and avoid them. Psychologist Marsha Linehan says that the best way to deal with emotions like this is to embrace them. “Just hold it; you do not need to respond to the emotion or act on it. Just embrace it; it is what it is.”
Psychiatrist Irvin Yalom likely agrees, as he’s known for saying, ‘If you want to choose the pleasure of growth, prepare yourself for some pain.”
These concepts are comparable to the old question: do you see the glass as half empty or half full?
When I was in grade school, and I would get disappointed, the nuns would always tell me, “When one door closes a window always opens.” To this day, this remains one of my favorite sayings. It’s allowed me to hold on when I’m feeling overwhelmed or dealing with a setback.
Our attitude, beliefs and problem-solving skills will help us move to our next level of opportunity and discovery.
Another article that stuck with me is from the Journal of Behavioral Decision Making featuring a 2017 study. It stressed that, “failure was an event, not a person.” It goes on to say, ‘that does not mean you are a failure. It means you took on an action based on the best thought you had at the time, and it did not lead to the outcome you perceived.”
Ask the right questions
Whenever drafting an article in school, we always finished by listing our expectations coming into the project and our recommendations for further research or the questions we didn’t ask that we felt were important follow-ups. We can practice these same exercises in difficult moments.
Life is a constant search for information, discovery and learning opportunities. When you feel like you have failed, remember that it’s a setback, not an ending. It is just the beginning. Approach your goals with kindness and gentleness as positive building blocks for future success.
Wise words
Because I find them so inspiring, I want to end this post with some of my favorite quotes.
“Success is not final; Failure is not fatal; It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill
“It is fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lesson of failure.” – Bill Gates
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” Henry Ford
