This post was written by DeeAnna Briggs, BS, Education, caseworker II, and Sandy Meyer, BA, Education, caseworker II, Parkview Behavioral Health Institute.
“You aren’t taking my phone! You have no right to take my phone! That’s how I talk to my friends!”
Twelve-year-old Evan throws the TV remote in the direction of the kitchen, where his mom is making dinner. Mom hears him knocking items off of the coffee table, cussing and muttering. She sighs, as she’s not surprised but feels defeated. This is the third time they’ve had this battle this week and she knows it won’t be the last. Mom took the phone over frustration that Evan refused to do his chore of taking out the trash. She has been advised and knows deep down that she should provide him with a consequence. Her choices that she considers are:
- Take away all the electronics.
- Ground him for a month.
- Send him to his room without dinner.
Mom and Evan know she won’t follow through, so it’s an empty threat. Evan understands from past experiences that if he does a chore without asking or just waits it out, he’ll likely have his phone back within 24 hours. Mom struggles with following through, because enforcing the consequences often leads to more behavioral problems. The last time she punished him, he put a hole in the wall.
The question she’s processing is: How do I get my household under control and not be a bad parent?
The source of the problem
We want to temporarily switch gears. Let’s take a moment to look at why children and families find this a common problem. The addiction society has to electronic devices is pervasive throughout our daily lives, and yet, electronics are necessary today to function.
Parents often rely on electronics for work, to entertain children while they tend to other things or have their attention elsewhere, and to maintain communication with family and friends. Parents also see technology as a safety measure–using phones to track their kids. Children are required to use computers to complete schoolwork. Because of all of these factors, and others we didn’t mention, children are often sent mixed messages about the use of electronics.
Addressing the issue
Let’s look at Mom and Evan’s situation. What would be the most positive and effective choice Mom could make to set the family up for success? Here are some suggestions we use with our clients and families:
Establishing guidelines for usage.
No means no! One of the strongest moves a parent can make is standing behind the words they say to their children. Boundaries are an important part of building relationships, establishing safety, security and providing needed structure. It’s OK to say no to a child, and it’s hard. Establishing respect for the word no if it hasn’t been used is difficult, but starting today is the first step. To be successful, don’t back down. The children will challenge you, and in time they will learn to respect you.
Warnings as a part of making choices.
Offering children choices is an important part of fostering their development of independence, responsibility, and identifying their role and participation in the family. Evan hadn’t taken out the trash, and it is noted as a regular problem. If Mom uses warnings, she can allow Evan to make a correct decision while understanding the consequences if he does not
A warning in this situation might be, “Evan, I’m going to set the timer for 20 minutes. Please have the trash taken out before the timer goes off or there will be no more electronics for tonight.” If a parent gives chores out before they leave for work with the expectation that they will be completed before they get home, a warning might be “Evan, I have left a morning note for you on the counter with today’s chore. Please make sure this is completed before I get home and then I will give you today’s password for the electronics.”
Utilizing substitute activities.
Electronic use can become an addiction and hinder development. When the electronics are removed, as with any addiction, it leaves a void. This causes anxiety which leads to negative behaviors. Pre-planned activities, such as reading books, crafts, playing outside, etc. will help to fill this void of time that is taken up by screens. Substitute activities can be a choice for the child and offer them control over this free time.
Scheduling time for the use of electronics as a part of the daily routine.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the average child 11-14 years of age spends nine hours per day on electronics. The CDC recommends that children 5-17 years use only 2 hours per day of electronics outside of schoolwork.
Consider your family’s electronics usage. You can start by looking at your phone’s analytics for your own cell phone use to build awareness. What percentage of that time does a child see you using the phone? We are role models for our children. Building a routine that includes structured electronic use for children will allow free time for playing favorite games, security for the child while on their electronics, and relief from the parent-child struggle for additional time that inevitably leads to discord within the family. An example of a reasonable schedule might be:
7 a.m.: Wake up and morning routine
8 a.m.: Out the door for school or summer camp
5 p.m.: Return home/dinner/evening chores
6 p.m.: Electronic time
8 p.m.: Family time
8:30 p.m.: Bedtime routine
It’s recommended that children do not have access to electronics or phones in their rooms past bedtime. This prevents children from using the phone late into the night, which affects sleep and can lead to complications with emotional regulation and school performance.
For Evan’s family, utilizing these guidelines will be difficult and cause additional stress in the beginning as the family adjusts to the change. Thinking about the long-term positive outcomes needs to outweigh the immediate gratification of giving in to your child’s demands. Evan’s mom will also find that she not only has the respect of her son, but she will find respect for herself.
