This post was written by Cathy Petrie, MSW, Bereavement Counselor, Parkview Hospice.
"What the heart once owned and had, it shall never lose." – Henry Ward Beecher
A painful journey
Loneliness is a given in grief. When our loved one is physically gone, it feels that a part of us has died, too. Our souls are torn. We feel powerless and fearful. Their passing reminds us of how little control we have. We sense their absence everywhere, and inside, we are mired in sadness. A fog has enveloped our life as we once knew it. In disbelief, we watch life go by without their presence. We cannot escape this loneliness, it’s inside us.
Mending through memory
We gently dose our pain in small amounts, addressing the ways we feel their absence. We retreat into comforting activities and balance them with distracting ourselves in the daily activities of life.
Courageously, we begin taking the grief we have inside and moving it outside ourselves with acts of mourning. Sometimes, it arrives without an invitation. A familiar melody catches us off guard, stirring a memory we hadn't expected. Other times, we seek it out deliberately, opening a photo album or telling a story that brings their presence back into focus.
Embracing these pieces of the past through tears, unfinished conversations, favorite places, music, books, art and scriptures, we turn reminders of loneliness into acts of remembering that help us find our loved ones in a new way of memory.
Alone with others
We live in a culture that often avoids the topic of death. Most friends do their best, but sometimes their discomfort leads to avoidance, self-centered agendas, or even hurtful comments, though they may mean well.
Some friends may shy away from discussing our loss. We might focus on lighter topics with them. Although they may struggle to understand our grief, their companionship can offer small moments of respite from the pain.
Others may want us to grieve their way, causing unintended harm to our journey. In these situations, we can share with them that this approach, though it may be valid for them, is not helpful for us. If they persist, it's okay to step away.
Helpful friends are willing to listen and want to support our path to healing. Connecting with another grieving person, a grief support group or a grief counselor can encourage us to share openly and receive personal support. Having one or two friends we can call on whenever is a true gift.
Anchored by faith
Grief can also bring about spiritual loneliness. After the loss of a loved one, we may find ourselves troubled with questions like: Why did God allow this to happen? Where is God now? What is the purpose of life? These unanswered questions can make it difficult to re-engage in worship. Sometimes, we may feel judged by others who suggest that we’ll receive the answers if we are stronger in our faith. However, grief is not linear, and faith does not make us immune to the pain of loss.
St. Augustine shares that we weave a common soul with those we love. When our loved one dies, our soul is torn and left in pieces. We may wonder how God can help us find what is left of our loved ones and make it enough. We can uncover these answers through spiritual contemplation.
To do this, we shift our loneliness into solitude by making space for God daily. This can look like reading meditations, visiting the outdoors or a sacred place. These moments of introspection can help us rediscover a sense of purpose in our days on Earth. Honoring the lives of our loved ones can also guide us toward healing. Taking time to think of what was important to them and acting on their convictions helps us fulfill their legacy.
Ceremonies can guide us in mourning when words are not enough. Private observances such as lighting a candle, listening to music, creating a place of honor or visiting the cemetery help us find solace. Group ceremonies, such as a hospice memorial, a tree planting or a celebration of life on the anniversary of a death, allow us to commemorate our meaning to each other.
Leaning into our faith does not erase the pain, but it can give us the strength to gather those fragments and use them to create a new connection to those who have preceded us in life's journey.
Always in our hearts
Loneliness is a normal part of the grief journey. It does not define us but motivates us to search for how our loved ones are still with us. Finding ways to engage with their memory allows us to feel their love and presence again. Though they have departed from the physical world, we always have them in our mended hearts. We see their influence in the lives they touched and sense their spirit in the purpose of our lives.
If you or someone you love is dealing with grief, know that help is always available. For more information on a grief support group near you, please call Parkview Hospice Bereavement Support at 260-373-9800 or toll-free at 800-363-9977.
