This post was written by Cathy Petrie, LCSW, hospice bereavement counselor, Parkview Home Health and Hospice.
The phrase “we are here for you” is more than a simple utterance, especially for the Parkview Hospice team. We are here for our patients, caregivers, families and communities throughout the dying process. However, with the pandemic came yet another element we needed to navigate and an added moral distress that deepened the pain of loss for everyone, motivating us to reassess and continue to personalize the care we offer to better support those in need.
As a team, we sought information to better teach coping strategies while embracing the additional societal pain with our patients, because we know that growth in grief occurs when we embrace the pain. But we also know that grief is an individualized experience that each of us must find our way through. Because of these things, we are more compassionate of people, more enriched by those who share the work we do, and more aware of the fragility of life and its blessings. We moved through and toward the pain of the pandemic with our patients, our coworkers and society. We are better for it and better prepared to serve others in the future.
Below are several hospice pandemic experiences encountered by our team. Please read on to gain a better understanding of how we can all embrace grief in these unprecedented times.
Head vs. heart
The work of knowing death is coming in our heads also needs to be understood in our hearts. Our entire team supports patients and families through this process long before death is imminent. The term “anticipatory grief” is often used as we see a decline and mourn the physical and mental losses experienced by our patients. With the pandemic, families had to watch patients decline through windows or virtually separated from their loved ones. Sometimes one family member visited in person, with the rest visiting virtually. Other times, patients died with only staff members present. Families understood precautions in their minds, but had to work at integrating that they were not with their loved one at the time of death into their hearts. Our staff encouraged telling the stories of the final days to help family members embrace healing. Telling the story helps bring thoughts and feelings together.
One step at a time
We encourage moving toward the pain of loss in manageable doses, but expectations on managing end of life were complicated by the pandemic. Noncritically ill patients became ill with COVID-19. Families who expected rehabilitation for a simple procedure were now embracing the pain of COVID treatment or the death of a loved one due to the virus. Guilt and anger toward this communicable illness complicated the pain of death, with many describing an intensity of pain they had not thought possible. We helped family members find a way to move that pain and grief outside themselves into words, actions, acts of service, and other outlets to mourn and honor their loved ones. It’s important to remember that pain kept inside can lead to mental and physical health loss, but releasing it outward can help you heal.
A celebration of life
When a patient dies, their family has stories, photos and objects linking them together. Rituals of funerals, memorial services and wakes help honor that relationship, but due to the pandemic and social distancing, these services were often postponed or limited in attendance. Families shared sadness about missing out on those supportive traditions. Fortunately, local funeral homes and hospice staff helped support families by coordinating outdoor events, virtual tributes, scheduling services at a later date and time, and even organizing drive-thru visitations. Our team reminded families that the business and ever-changing rules of the pandemic could cause us to avoid honoring memories but slowing down and taking the time to remember your loved one helps us live more fully into the future.
Tough conversations
When death removes one person from our lives, we discover the numerous ways it impacts our day-to-day living and sense of who we are. Our hospice team encourages patients to have end-of-life conversations in which they share future hopes and wishes. In doing so, families find new ways to fill roles that their loved ones once performed. Some families had to find new jobs due to unemployment; others had to move out of their homes due to a lack of income. To help with these economic changes and the financial side effects of the pandemic, our team helped many families make connections with social service agencies and spiritual support groups. We know that the proper assistance for daily living can help future roles be more manageable.
Finding meaning
Questions of “why” and “how” are normal components of loss and the bereavement process. We often encourage spiritual support to help find those answers and meaning. The pandemic deaths for some families had a senseless element and raised questions of why. As a staff, we encourage that pondering the times we live in is healthy and natural, but we do not have all the answers. So, taking steps and looking for spiritual support can help us all have hope.
Supporting each other
Patients often ask who will be there for their family. As our team provides support, we also assist people in finding a grief partner who will listen. Sadly, our counseling, support groups and memorial services felt the impact of the pandemic and social distancing. But, we did not lose hope. Instead, we found ways to offer virtual groups and memorials to help people when in-person options weren’t available. In fact, we’ve decided to continue the virtual services because it helps connect families across the counties, state and nation. Support needs to be a continual part of life.
Living with grief
Much like the death of a loved one, the pandemic broke into our world when we weren’t ready and continues to stay with us. We encourage families to live with their grief when walking through loss and not push for closure. We must manage to live with the grief while reconciling its issues and adapting to the changes. The shared experiences we had with our patients and families during the pandemic continue to invite us to transcend the grief of personal and societal loss. In doing so, we invite you to contact Parkview Hospice for grief and bereavement support.
